Open relationships seem like the default setting for gay men. Or, to use the modern vernacular, a lot of gay relationships end up being at least a bit “monogamish.” Recent figures support this assumption and put the number at around 30% to 50% in the U.S., with similar numbers showing up in gay-friendly locations around the world. This includes many famous celebrities, ranging from RuPaul and Georges LeBar to Frankie Grande and his throuple.

But what does monogamish even mean? What’s the difference between polyamory, open, and monogamish relationships? How do you set rules in a monogamish relationship? How do couples avoid jealousy? What are the ins and outs of the practicalities? So many questions, and so many different answers out there.

We take a deeper dive into the world of non-monogamy, so you aren’t left fumbling around in the dark—at least, without a green card from your partner, that is!

Why Be Monogamish or Open?

There’s nothing shameful about being sexually attracted to others when you have a partner. There’s no off switch for that, and who would want one anyway? However, when you find yourself wanting to act on that attraction, then perhaps it's time to have the non-monogamy talk. Alternatively, you can start new relationships that way from the get-go if you already know you like to have sex with other guys besides your partner.

The trick is, like with so much in life, knowing exactly what you want. Do you simply want to keep things fresh and prevent boredom by having sex with others? Do you have a fetish that doesn’t interest your partner? Are you two tops clashing swords, or two bottoms bashing shields, so in need of a third from time to time? There are many reasons you might want to open up, and being able to pinpoint them is the first step to crafting your open or monogamish relationship.

Not having to feel the strain of being everything to each other till death do you part can really take the pressure off, leaving the focus on what you do have together rather than what you don’t. It takes two to tango (and a group to line dance), though, so it does need to be a mutual decision. Relationships of all types require compromise, but if someone wants to be monogamish and the other doesn’t, you need to consider how fair that really is to both parties.

Monogamish, Open, and Poly—What’s the Difference?

Having established your reasons, next you need to decide on the exact type of non-monogamy that suits you.

Open relationships, simply put, mean you have one partner but have sex with other people. A separation is usually made between sex and love. The couple sets their rules of engagement together, which could be anything from an “anything goes” mentality, to just hooking up with other couples, to only having sex with bottoms after midnight on a new moon!

Monogamish is similar to open relationships but with more specific rules that don’t stray as far from traditional monogamy. It’s a more modern term that starts from the base of monogamy and then sets conditions where sex with others is permitted, as opposed to open relationships where couples often start from the assumption of being open to everything but put restrictions on when they aren’t. Common examples of monogamish relationships are couples who only play together or who only hook up with others when traveling alone.

Polyamory is having multiple partners at the same time. There are emotions involved, not only sex. This might be a throuple (or as high a number as one can count), where everyone is in it together as one big happy gay family. Or it might mean having different partners separate from your others, who may or may not have contact with each other at all. Some people have a primary partner, then secondaries, and even tertiaries. It can get more complicated than that, but that’s the basic idea.

Setting Flexible Boundaries

Once you have the whys and the whats worked out, it's time to get the hows reasoned out.

Free-for-alls work for some couples who don’t experience jealousy, but they should never be the assumed. Open or monogamish relationships without candid conversations about rules (as unsexy as that word sounds) are car crashes waiting to happen.

For better or worse, monogamy comes with a ready-made rulebook. For some people, that works just fine. However, the most liberating thing about non-monogamous relationships is that there is no (it could be argued heteronormative) set of rules that can be applied universally. The best thing about that is you get to make them yourselves. This does mean, however, that you have to be honest both with yourself and with your partner about your wants and don’t-wants.

Of course, things change over time and you might not have all those answers without venturing out into the wilds first. That’s fine too, but remember that mistakes will happen. The important thing is you listen to each other and adapt as you go. Monogamish or open relationships are often a gradual process rather than an instant state of affairs.

Understanding a little of the theory on how jealousy works can also go a long way.

Mitigating Bad Feels

Different people have fluctuating levels of jealousy and can feel it for a myriad of different reasons, or not at all. Knowing how to pinpoint exactly what you or your partner are feeling during your adventures—and misadventures—will help you be the master of your own emotions (even if you are submissive in the bedroom). This also gives you a base to build rules around that mitigate bad feelings.

Pretending jealousy or other ugly emotions simply doesn’t exist (or are somehow shameful) will lead to resentment and ignored feelings have an awkward tendency to bubble out in messy ways later. Anyone who tries to tell you jealousy is unnatural—and unique to humans—really needs to get a dog!

How to Overcome Jealousy

Jealousy is the fear someone will take something from you—in other words, that a guy will steal your boyfriend or husband. Some will tell you jealousy is all about insecurity, but that’s only half the story. It can also come from a lack of trust due to trauma from past relationships or from traditional and cultural values.

These are not things you need to just “get over” without any help from your partner. And they can be worked around. Example rules to mitigate jealousy might be having space just for you and your partner alone—for example, not taking guys to the house you live in together. It might involve not hooking up with friends or not repeating with the same guys. It pays to get specific when making your rules!

Jealousy management could also involve having time to reconnect after encounters, which could be sex, of course, or even just eating out together at your special restaurant.

How to Overcome Envy

Psychology makes a distinction between jealousy and envy that is useful to understand for gay monogamish relationships. Jealousy is worrying someone will steal what you have, whereas envy is wanting something someone else has. In non-monogamous relationships this surfaces with thoughts like “why are all those guys coming on to my boyfriend and not me?” or “my partner is hooking up with someone and I want to, too.” No one wants to admit to these feelings, but left to simmer, they can manifest into feelings of unworthiness.

The very worst thing you can do with that emotion is turn your relationship into a competition. If that happens, take a step back, and remember that you are on the same team. Focus on what it is you want and go get that too without taking from your partner's experience. Rules to mitigate envy include “don’t ask, don’t tell,” which may sound terrible but prevents things from deteriorating into a boasting match of who got more. Another might when that when out together, you only play together. Or it could mean only playing together with guys who like both of you, or the exact opposite—never hooking up with the same guy ever.

Honor Among Love Thieves: How to Deal with Troublemakers

Even when you and your partner have rules in place and respect them, the lovers and special friends you meet on your journeys won’t always play ball… or balls. Remember they haven’t signed the same contract as you guys and don’t have all the information on your ins and outs. So be transparent with your hook-ups. Obviously, this is harder to do with a darkroom fling, but you should always spill the beans before longer encounters.

That said, don’t tolerate those who know your rules and break them anyway, or encourage you to break them. The feeling of rage that comes from your relationship being disrespected has nothing to do with either envy or jealousy and is a valid reason to veto a guy out of existence. Your relationship is more important—no matter how hot a guy may be. In other words, never let a man come between you. Well, come between your relationship, anyway!

Communication Is Fundamental: You Are on the Same Team

The bottom line is you want your partner to be happy and they want the same for you. You love each other and are a team. And like any good team, communication between you is the key to winning. Problems will inevitably arise (just as they do in any relationship, monogamous or not), but together you can adapt to make sure you are both getting exactly what you crave from your non-monogamous adventures.

Whichever way you decide to go about it, remember that love and sex aren’t a job. You are doing this for fun, after all. Happiness and fulfillment for you and your partner are the ultimate goal. So get out there and get a good filling of happiness. Or should we say, as many “happiness” fillings as your monogamish relationship permits!

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto