Sex is not the enemy. In fact, for a lot of gay men it happens to be a rather close friend, always just a few messages, sauna trips, or bar conversations away.

However, despite sex being so on tap for us, somehow the rules of hookup etiquette remain nebulous. How do you get from first contact to body contact? How does a “hey, how’s it going” become a “we should do this again sometime”? Can spontaneous hookups ever be really safe? What red flags should you be on the lookout for?

Close that app for just a second as we investigate how to get the most out of your next hookup experience.

Gay Hookup Apps

The apps aren’t perfect and are certainly not for everyone. For better or for worse, though, they are the most common way gay men hook up in the 21st century. There’s no shame if they aren’t your preferred method. A lot of the advice and gay hookup rules below can also be adapted and applied for bar and club experiences too. 

What You Looking For, Mate?

When you first open your app(s) of choice, start by deciding how long you want to spend searching for your desired experience. Maybe you have the whole day off work, or are just horny at home after a night out. It can vary session to session, but you should try to set a target and a time for your sessions. In other words, don’t be the guy who’s perpetually juggling fifty app conversations while your friends are just trying to hang out.

Next, ask yourself a few key questions: Are you looking to hook up right now (most people are) or later that day? How far are you willing to travel? Can you host, or would you rather go to theirs? Knowing these answers will stop you from wasting your own time and that of others. Apps let you cast a wider net these days, so if you don’t mind traveling, then don’t be afraid to expand your search beyond just your postcode (you might need a premium membership for that, though).

Initiating First Contact on Apps

First, make sure you have a clear face picture that was taken in the current year. No one wants to ride with a headless horseman. Profiles without clear face pictures tend to mean either the user isn’t comfortable with how they look, or they have a partner who doesn’t know about their extracurricular activities. This should be a red flag.

Start by messaging a few people you like the look of. Don’t message too many people or you’ll end up drowning in a sea of half-hearted conversations. Make sure you actually read people’s profiles as well as look at their pictures to get an idea of what to expect from them.

It’s up to you to decide how direct you want to be or how generic your opening gambit is. Often that comes down to how sex-focused the app is. You might start with a simple “hey, how’s it going?” or leap straight into the “what are you looking for?” question. A good tactic is to be interesting and flirty without being pushy. Don’t respond with monosyllabic answers or you’ll look uninterested or, worse, boring. As a rule, don’t send your sexiest pics until asked for. Feel free to ask for more pictures from them, but remember no one is auditioning for a modeling contract. Once they’ve shown you all their parts, that should be enough.

Handling Rejection

App use requires a thick skin and managed expectations. No one likes being rejected or ignored, but the truth is it’s all a numbers game. Remember, first and foremost, you are doing this for fun and connection. It is not a job. The moment you stop enjoying it, or if you start to feel more lonely rather than less, shut down the app and go touch grass. Or, if you’re still horny, just touch yourself.

No response is a response. Never send more than one message if you receive nothing back. On the flip side, you don’t owe anyone anything either. Do remember these are real people and not Pokémon, but no one wants to spend their limited time sending endless rejections—as nice as it is to be that popular. Only message back the people you’re interested in, and block anyone who harasses you or gets aggressive.

Sealing the Deal

Most people on the apps are looking for expedient hookups, but not all. When you get chatting with someone, find out if their wants match your own first. What he put on his profile might not be the full picture, if he put anything at all, that is (few people do).

You don’t need his whole life story, of course, but maybe at least get his real name (call it old-fashioned if you will). In all seriousness, though, how much you want to know someone before you get down with them is entirely up to you, but a little flirty back-and-forth or a cerebral connection can heat things up nicely.

The pre-game conversation can also be used to weed out any red flags before you commit to anything. Also, as simple as it sounds, have a conversation about what you plan on doing together before you arrive. It doesn't have to be a fixed plan, but a blueprint born from dirty talk will most definitely help.  

Red Flags

Time-wasters are simply people who don’t know what they want. Vet them by asking the questions you’ve already answered yourself about your wants. If they avoid direct questions or won’t commit to meeting when the time comes, just move on.

Avoid people who are too intoxicated, and honestly, be careful if you are too. The truth is a lot of people hit the apps after a big night out ends with them in bed alone, and although there’s nothing wrong with that, be aware of the risks involved. Arriving to find your hookup is blind drunk can be a real turnoff.

The often bandied-about word “discreet” can be a red flag, but it requires more investigation. Ask for clarity as to what that means. Maybe it involves sneaking into someone’s garage while their wife is asleep upstairs. Or it could just mean their neighbors don’t know their sexuality yet, so they want to keep the noise down. Find out and decide what you are comfortable with.

Not everyone wants to go directly to someone’s house, and it’s completely valid to want to go for a drink beforehand to assess the situation. Or not. Again, that’s for both players to decide.

Be the Host Who Gets It Most

So you’ve got a hit and he’s on his way over. Take some time to get yourself and the space you are going to be using ready. You should probably tell your flatmates, if you have any, but that’s really on you.

If your hookup arrives and they are not as presented on their profile, do not be afraid to turn them away. Everyone puts their best foot (or face) forward in their pics, but there is a limit. An eight on his profile should not be a three in person. Be polite but firm, using a simple “I’m sorry, I don’t think this will work.” You owe no explanation to someone who has deceived you.

Assuming you are into them, after inviting them in, knowing when to make the move can be tricky and is completely up to you and your visitor. The longer you leave it, though, the more awkward it can get. Be aware you can rescind your invitation at any point, even during the act, if it isn’t going how you planned.

Let’s just say they blow your mind, though—or more likely blow something else. Take some time afterward to enjoy some post-sex bliss and allow them the same. Nothing sours the mood more than being booted directly out. Leaving them to scrabble for their clothes and then walk home the second you finish is bad form. You don’t have to cuddle or chat a lot if you don’t want to, but a little aftercare goes a long way. This does not mean you have to marry them or even set up a second encounter. It just means checking everyone is happy and being nice to someone you just shared something with—even if it was just bodily fluids.

Be a Guest, Not a Pest

The rules for guests are not so different from those of hosts, with the addition of remembering you are a guest in someone else’s house and should act accordingly. Don’t disrespect anyone who lives there, especially your hookup. For example, you should prepare before you go over, but if you need to use their bathroom, be sure to leave everything exactly how you found it.

A rule often said, but rarely followed, is to make sure someone else knows where you are going. Honestly, very few people take the time to do this, but it really does make things a lot safer. A flatmate or friend you are due to meet later works perfectly—someone you can call afterward to gossip with about how it all went. How long you stay after varies from encounter to encounter, but if you are asked to leave (or get the “I have to work” line), then it’s time to go, no matter how rude you think your host is being.

What Happens Next?

What happens after your successful hookup is in two sets of hands: yours and his. Regardless, an “I had a great time” or “that was hot” message afterward always goes down well. Everyone should walk away from the experience feeling good about it, but at the end of the day, it’s all about perspective. If things didn’t go well, it can still make a good anecdote to gossip about with your friends. If it did, but doesn’t lead to anything else, it doesn’t change how hot the memory you are left with is. And what is life other than a series of memories, hot or otherwise.

FAQ

What are the rules for hosting a hookup?

Be prepared and respectful. Tidy the space, communicate clearly, and remember you can change your mind at any point. If the guest isn’t as advertised, it’s okay to politely turn them away. Afterward, a little basic aftercare and courtesy go a long way.

How do I ask for consent respectfully?

Ask directly. Have a conversation about what you plan on doing together before you arrive. If you doubt they are into what it happening then check in if they are ok . Consent should be enthusiastic and can be withdrawn at any time.

What red flags should I watch for?

Avoid people who dodge basic questions, won’t commit to plans, are overly intoxicated, misrepresent themselves, or use vague terms like “discreet” without explanation. Trust your gut—if something feels off, walk away.

Should I share my location with a friend?

Yes, if you can. Letting a friend or flatmate know where you’re going (or who’s coming over) adds an extra layer of safety, even if it feels awkward.

How do I decline a hookup politely?

Be brief and honest. A simple “Sorry, I don’t think this is a match” or “I’m going to pass” is enough. You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation. Especially someone who has lied to you.

Feature image by Ketut Subiyanto