Top, bottom, or versatile: it’s a question you’ve no doubt been asked just a few times in your gay life… most frequently as an opening gambit from guys on dating apps. Gay men get straight to the point when it comes to discussing sex.

But for a group that loves to talk so much about sex, there’s a surprising lack of discussion and advice out there on the specifics in the form of a bottoming guide. How do you prepare? What are the best positions for comfort? How do you relax the pelvic floor? Which lubricants are best? And how do beginners reduce discomfort?

You’d think we were all just instinctively supposed to know these things. Yet it’s not exactly a topic covered in any detail (if at all) during sex education at school, nor part of the average “birds and bees” talk your parents give you. So, for your pleasure, we’ve collated preparation advice, anal tips, and gay sex tricks for those new to the world of bottoming—and for anyone who just wants to check in and see if their experiences line up at more or less the same angles!

Preparation Is Key – How Do You Prepare for Bottoming?

Diet

Despite what cliché-ridden TikTok video sketches might imply, you do not need to starve yourself for days before anal sex or order salads in restaurants for the rest of your bottoming career. Sure, maybe don’t eat a vindaloo curry or a particularly meaty burrito on the day of a date, but you should most certainly eat as you normally do.

A generally balanced diet with adequate fiber is what you’re aiming for. Fiber helps regulate bowel movements and can make preparation far less stressful. That said, everyone has different digestive systems, and what works perfectly for one guy might not work for another. If you notice certain foods that don't agree with you before sex, take note and plan accordingly—but don’t punish your body or skip meals altogether. Staying hydrated is just as important. Drinking enough water helps fiber do its job and keeps things moving comfortably.

You do not exist purely for the pleasure of tops (even if you find it hot to roleplay that you do), and your health is far more important than any hookup. Anyone who expects you to compromise your well-being for their convenience isn’t worth your time.

Douching

Bottoming often involves taking an active role in preparation, ironically. Douching is optional, but it would be disingenuous to pretend it isn’t the most common way gay men prepare for receptive anal sex. The rectum is naturally designed to stay relatively clean, so douching should be about comfort and confidence—not pressure or routine necessity. It’s something you can do, not something you must do every time.

Timing matters. Douching too far in advance can lead to residual water showing up later at the worst possible moment, while doing it too close to sex can irritate the rectum. Many people find that 30–60 minutes beforehand works best. Always use the bathroom first so your body has already done most of the work naturally.

An enema, which can be bought from any gay sex shop, or a shower attachment specifically designed for anal use, are the most practical tools for cleaning and are formidable weapons in any bottom’s arsenal. Emphasize on the arse! Any unscrewable showerhead can suffice, though.

Use small amounts of lukewarm water. Insert gently, squeeze slowly, and don’t aim to flush deeply. Most mess comes from the rectum, not the colon, so shallow rinses are usually sufficient. Repeating once or twice is typically enough. Excessive rinsing can cause dryness, microtears, and irritation, which actually makes sex less comfortable. Avoid soaps and fragrances, as these can disrupt the rectal lining and healthy bacteria, increasing the risk of irritation and infection.

Note that frequent douching isn’t recommended, as it may increase susceptibility to STIs by weakening the rectal lining. Clean is good—but healthy is better.

Relax, Take It Easy – Comfort, Pleasure, Positions & Safety

Relaxation is probably the most important part of bottoming. Although it might sound more like we’re discussing yoga than sex, if you’re tense, your body will fight penetration, making discomfort far more likely. Being mentally relaxed is just as important as being physically prepared.

Ironically, one of the easiest positions for beginners is doggy style. It allows the top to enter gradually and gives you more control over depth and pace. One of the harder positions for beginners is actually lying flat on your back, as penetration tends to go deeper more quickly, which can be overwhelming—but obviously feels amazing once you get used to it. Side-lying positions can also be great for beginners. They tend to be slower, gentler, and less intense, making them ideal for warming up and learning how your body responds.

Warm-ups are a must for beginners—fingers, tongues, and toys help your body adjust. Rushing straight to penetration is a common mistake and one that often leads to pain or bad experiences for those not used to it. Take your time—even if you do have to get back to work in an hour.

About lube: stay away from warming or cooling varieties. They are most definitely not made for anal sex and can cause burning, irritation, or a rather disconcerting numbness. A thick, high-quality silicone or water-based lube designed for anal play is your best friend.

Pain is not something you have to just “push through.” Discomfort might happen briefly as your body adjusts, but sharp pain is your cue to stop, breathe, add more lube, or slow things down.

It Happens – Don’t Let Tops Be Dicks (So to Speak)

If a (let’s just say) mistake happens—and they do sometimes, even with the best-laid plans of men and men—the world does not end. Accidents are part of anal sex. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or inexperienced.

Tops should also know how the game is played. If you need to stop, go to the bathroom, douche again, or take a break, that’s completely valid. You can always build back up to the action once you return. You’ll most likely douche before going over to someone’s house, but the very best tops have douching facilities ready to go in their bathrooms too. So do the best saunas and sex clubs.

You will, however, occasionally encounter ignorant tops who seem to think asses miraculously clean themselves. These kinds of guys are walking red flags. A good top prioritizes comfort, communication, and mutual enjoyment—not shame or unrealistic expectations. Sex is supposed to be fun. Anyone who makes you feel embarrassed about your body doesn’t deserve access to it.

Just the Tip – Improve Your Bottoming Skills

Some bottoms just like to lie back and enjoy the ride. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, as exploration is optional, not a graduation requirement. However, those looking to ramp it up a notch after getting comfortable with the basics can try adding a few impressive maneuvers to their bottoming repertoire.

Moving with the sway of the ocean is a good start. Rocking your hips, changing angles, or guiding your partner can increase pleasure for both of you. Communication isn’t unsexy—it’s hot. Letting a top know what feels good (or what doesn’t) makes for better sex all around. You’ll build your own skill set through experience, and should you have a regular partner or partners, you can learn exactly what best gets them off.

One example of such a move for power bottoms with good leg strength is crouching above a top on his back and taking full control of sliding up and down him—a crouching tiger, hidden dragon, if you like. This lets you use those pelvic muscles to full effect. Facing away from them during this maneuver gives them a good view of what you are doing—made even hotter when they are seated (like on a sofa) and you have one foot raised on the side of the sofa and the other on the floor. You might want to clean that sofa afterward though, especially if you are planning on having friends over!

Submission and dominance often play a role in gay anal sex, and power is fun to play around with in the context of tops and bottoms. This might include power play, spanking, restraints, role-play, deeper penetration, or even the legendary act of double penetration. Communication is absolutely essential here. Talk boundaries and expectations before anything happens—even if it is through an app conversation.

Myths About Bottoming

One common myth is that there are too many bottoms and not enough tops out there in the wilderness. This is categorically false, with a recent study suggesting that about 20% of men identify as tops, 26% as bottoms, and the majority—around 54%—as versatile.

Naysayers will also claim versatile men are just bottoms who are ashamed to say so, but this is an opinion, not a fact. When someone tells us who they are and what they like, it is not for us to tell them otherwise. Roles don’t have to be fixed, and you are free to slide up and down the top/bottom scale at your own leisure… or pleasure.

Finally, there isn’t necessarily a connection between masculinity and sexual preferences. There’s a common assumption that tops must be extremely masculine and bottoms feminine (where that leaves versatile men is anyone’s guess), but this often isn’t the case at all. Sexual roles do not define your personality, appearance, or worth.

Remember: it’s for you to define your position and place in the grand world of bottoming—no one else. And with these tips and facts at your disposal, you’ll never have any complaints… only moans.

FAQs (A Sexy Summary)

How Do You Prepare for Bottoming?

You have options. Diet and douching are the pro-active ones.  Douching between 30 and 60 minutes before the act is the most common prep techinqiue, An enema, which can be bought from any gay sex shop, or a shower attachment specifically designed for anal use, but any unscrewable showerhead works too. Use small amounts of lukewarm water. Insert gently, squeeze slowly, and don’t aim to flush deeply. Most mess comes from the rectum, not the colon, so shallow rinses are usually sufficient. Repeating once or twice is typically enough. A generally balanced diet with adequate fiber certainly helps too.  If you notice certain foods that don't agree with you before sex, take note and plan accordingly—but don’t punish your body or skip meals altogether. 

What are the best positions for comfort?

Doggy style is a good one. It allows the top to enter gradually and gives you more control over depth and pace. One of the harder positions for beginners is actually lying flat on your back, as penetration tends to go deeper more quickly, which can be overwhelming—but obviously feels amazing once you get used to it. Side-lying positions can also be great for beginners. They tend to be slower, gentler, and less intense, making them ideal for warming up and learning how your body responds.

How do you relax the pelvic floor?

Relaxing the pelvic floor for anal sex is about breathing, arousal, and going slowly. Start relaxed and unrushed. Use deep belly breathing: inhale through your nose, exhale slowly through your mouth, letting the anus soften on each exhale. Avoid clenching or pushing. Warm up gradually with external touch, then a well-lubed finger or small toy, pausing until resistance eases. Use plenty of thick lube.

Which lubricants are best?

Avoid warming or cooling varieties! They are most definitely not made for anal sex and can cause burning, irritation, or a rather disconcerting numbness. A thick, high-quality silicone or water-based lube designed for anal play is your best bet.

How do beginners reduce discomfort?

Follow the advice above for relaxing your pelvic floor and choosing positions where you control depth and speed. Stay aroused. Mild pressure is normal; sharp pain means stop, breathe, add lube, or slow down. Some alone time with toys can help you learn to relax and open things up before partners are involved.

Photo by KoolShooters